Kept Secrets
by Sailor Panda
Summary: Kaoru and Sanosuke have known each other for years...but just how deep does the relationship that lies between them really flow?


He was sleeping.  
  
She observed him for a moment as he sat on an overturned log by the small pond, head pillowed on the rough bark of the tree he was leaning against as his chest rose and fell with the even cadence of sleep, each breath releasing a feathery plume into the cold night air that barely dissipated before the next. Knowing she couldn't leave him like this, she laid one delicate hand on his shoulder and gave it a hard sudden shake, watching as Sanosuke's head jerked back as he was torn from his slumber, the abrupt motion almost sending him tumbling off the log he was seated on. She watched with a gentle smile of amusement playing about her lips as he shook his head, trying to orient himself.  
  
Finally, the scare of suddenly waking only to find himself falling having receded, he looked up to see who it was who had disturbed him. Seeing her, her pretty features illuminated by what little light managed to trickle through the overcast night sky, he laughed.  
  
"I should have figured it was you, Jou-chan."  
  
"Oh?" Kaoru arched a brow. "And why is that?"  
  
"Because you always seem to be the one disturbing me," he replied softly.  
  
She blushed a little, and had to look away. "Sorry. I just saw you sitting there and I couldn't resist."  
  
That wasn't what he had meant and he knew she knew that. But he said nothing.  
  
"Besides," she continued nervously, "you really shouldn't be sleeping out here. It's winter; you'll catch a cold, or worse."  
  
A teasing curl lifted his lips. "Worried about me?"  
  
"Of course," she sniffed disdainfully. "If you're dumb enough to fall asleep out here in the cold then someone who's obviously smarter has to look out for you."   
  
He chuckled.  
  
She frowned. "What are you doing out here this late anyway?"  
  
"Just thinking," he said with a shrug. "This is one of the best spots for it. But I guess I must have fallen asleep though. What about you?"  
  
Now it was her turn to shrug. "I couldn't sleep. I thought a little walk might help."  
  
"It's not safe for a woman to be wandering alone at this time of night."  
  
"In town perhaps, but not out here in the woods. There's no one around except us."  
  
"Exactly my point. If I hadn't been the one here but someone else who isn't as nice as me-"  
  
"Sano!" Her tone reflected her irritated exasperation. "It's winter! No one in their right minds would be waiting in the woods for any kind of trouble in this weather this late at night! It's perfectly safe!"  
  
"Oh, I don't know, Jou-chan. We're out here. What does that make us?"  
  
"Well, I was feeling sane until I started talking to you!"  
  
Though he chuckled, his tone was serious when he said, "Still, there are a lot of people not in their right minds out there. You've seen enough to know that. If we could meet up like this, who's to say you wouldn't have had just as likely a chance of coming across someone less pleasant?"  
  
Kaoru gave a pained sigh. "I thought a walk would relax me, but I think it's made me even more tense. Maybe that'll teach me to stop doing good deeds like trying to keep bird-headed idiots who fall asleep out in the cold from catching a sickness."  
  
"Aww, now that really hurts."  
  
"Oh, shut up!" She glared at him. "Well, I've done my good deed and woken you up but you're on your own now." She turned. "I'm going home."  
  
"Wait! I'll walk you back."  
  
"I'm a grown woman, Sano. I can walk myself back."  
  
"Now, Jou-chan, I have to walk in that direction anyway to get back to my home. You don't think I plan on sleeping out here do you?"  
  
"You seemed to be doing a pretty good job of it until I came along."  
  
"Yeah, well. Believe me," he told her as he rubbed his arms up and down, "it's made me ready for warmer climates. And since we're headed in the same direction, it seems silly not to go together, doesn't it?"  
  
"Have it your way."  
  
He grinned. "That's always the best way."  
  
She just rolled her eyes. "So, what were you thinking about here that you couldn't in the comfort and warmth of your own home? It had to be something, right? So what was it?"  
  
He was silent for a moment. Then he replied simply, "Love."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"I can tell by your tone - bet you're wishing you hadn't asked, huh?"  
  
Instead of answering, she responded with a question. "What made you come out here to think of love all of a sudden?" She frowned. "Wasn't today your gambling night with your friends?"  
  
"Yeah, that was today alright."  
  
She eyed him suspiciously. "Have you been drinking?"  
  
"Not as much as you're thinking I have," he chuckled. "I was still fairly sober when I left."  
  
"So? Why aren't you still with them, causing a ruckus and getting drunk? And how did the subject of love pop up over there amongst you gambling fools in the first place?"  
  
"Well, you see, that's the interesting thing. It was just a gambling party to start off with. But after Shimazaki let slip with the news that he's now an engaged man, it turned into a celebration party."  
  
"I see."   
  
"He looked really happy - completely in love."  
  
"And thus the reason for your preoccupation about it."  
  
"You got it. He's got someone to come home to now while I've got - what? A one-room shack for a guy who's got no one special but a bunch of friends? Not that the having friends is a bad thing. But it's not the same. And all the celebrating and rejoicing over Shimazaki's getting himself tied to a woman just pushed the point home."  
  
Realizing just how bothered he was and embarrassed that she'd prodded him about, she felt embarrassed herself. "I'm sorry."  
  
"For what?" he snorted. "You can't help what I think."  
  
"I know that." She sighed. "But I didn't have to prod you into talking about it."  
  
"Jou-chan, do you honestly think that I'd talk about it if I didn't want to?" He grinned. "You couldn't even beat it out of me."  
  
"As tempting as that thought is," she commented wryly, "I'll save it for another day. A warmer day."   
  
"And I'm grateful for that, believe me." Then he shrugged, a contemplative look on his features. "Joking aside, it's no big deal, really. It's not like it wasn't anything I haven't thought of before at one time or another. It's just that, looking at Shimazaki and how happy he was, it showed me what I don't have that everyone else does."  
  
"Not everyone does," she responded quietly.  
  
"No, maybe not. But enough that it makes me feel lacking."  
  
"Sano, don't say that - you're not lacking." She shook her head. "No man with as great a heart as yours is deep down can be called lacking."  
  
Chuckling, he shook his head. "You just sounded exactly like Kenshin."  
  
"Did I?"  
  
"Yeah. It's been a while since I heard those heart-inspiring words of his. They sound so silly normally but coming from him, they actually seem to mean something."  
  
"So they're meaningless when they come from me?" She shot him an arch look. "Is that it?"  
  
"Whoa! Now, Jou-chan, that isn't what I meant at all."  
  
"I know what you meant, Sano," she said with a small laugh. "But if you want to see him, then do it. I'm sure he'd be happy to see you too."  
  
"Maybe so, maybe so. But I think that, right now, he'd be happier seeing you."  
  
"Now? He's probably still sleeping and has no idea that I slipped out for walk."  
  
"If you slipped out of my futon on a cold winter's night, I'd know it, Jou-chan."   
  
Her head snapped to him, eyes wide.  
  
"Okay, that came out wrong." He grimaced. "I didn't mean to imply anything. I only meant that if my wife wandered away in the middle of the night, I'm pretty sure that I'd realize she was gone."   
  
"Oh." An embarrassed flush tinted her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that you-"  
  
"Don't worry about it," he interjected. His mouth took a downward turn. "But I think we both know why it might have sounded like that."   
  
She glanced away, uncomfortable.   
  
"It's okay, Jou-chan. I don't mean to start anything up again. It's just that it's hard to forget even though it was a mistake that happened a long time ago."  
  
Kaoru sighed softly, then admitted quietly, "I don't think it was that much of a mistake."   
  
"You don't? But I thought-"  
  
"I know. But you're wrong; no matter what impressions you might have garnered afterward, I have no regrets about what happened. And neither should you."  
  
"It's an easy thing to say. But, Jou-chan, I can't help feeling guilty when I look at him."  
  
"I figured as much when you stopped coming by as often and it's been so long since your last visit. But, Sano, Kenshin's your best friend and I know he feels sad that you aren't around as much anymore."  
  
"That's only because he doesn't know. You never told him, did you?"  
  
"No, you know that. And why should I? Why do you think I should tell him?"  
  
"I'm not really sure. But I feel that he should know."  
  
"Why? It wouldn't change anything, except maybe make him feel worse about himself." Her lips curled softly. "You know what he's like. He'd blame himself somehow for what happened and then constantly wonder if I had made the right choice, if the one I want to be with is truly him. I know these thoughts would haunt him though he would never say anything."  
  
"Yeah, he can be an idiot like that," he commented affectionately.  
  
"Which is why I'd rather not give him anything else to think about that he wouldn't be able to let go of. He has enough memories like that as it is that still give him nightmares from time to time."   
  
"I know, I know. But even so-"  
  
"No, Sano. Now, listen to me - there's no reason to feel guilty. When Kenshin left us all those years ago, everyone including Kenshin himself was positive that he'd never be coming back."  
  
"But he did come back."  
  
"Not until years had passed, Sano. And since he left with the full intention to not return, I don't think he has a right to say how I lived my life since then, nor I he. I've never asked him about specifics concerning the people he was with in the years we were apart, and he's never asked me either so I think he feels the same. I know he wouldn't want to waste my life away in loneliness by pining after him if I believed he were truly gone forever."  
  
He nodded reluctantly, knowing that for the truth.  
  
"And, Sano? When I was with you back then, it had been a long time since Kenshin had left and I didn't think I'd ever see him again. Especially not a week later." She bit her lip. "But it all just happened so fast that I feel I didn't get a chance to see if there was anything more between us other than that night. I was confused, scared, happy to see Kenshin again - not knowing what else to do, I simply went with what I knew. And that led me to Kenshin."   
  
"Yeah, it did."  
  
She smiled a little sadly. "So, you see? There's no reason to feel guilty. What happened was between us and no one else should even be involved with it."  
  
"It's a nice way to look at it, Jou-chan. But the fact that it was you and me, his so-called best friend, well, that's a pretty big betrayal and a stepping over boundaries that shouldn't be crossed no matter what status your relationship was in at the time."   
  
She shook her head at his stubbornness. "Sano, I look him in the eyes everyday and I don't feel guilty about what happened. If promises had been made before he'd left and I went ahead and broke them, then yes I'd be so ashamed that I wouldn't be able to look anyone in the eyes again. But I thought he wasn't coming back and I wasn't unfaithful and neither of us tarnished any sort of vows and you know it."  
  
"I know, but it still seems kind of wrong."  
  
"Sano," she said in exasperation. She reached over and laid a hand on his arm, emphasizing the strength of her words. "I truly don't regret it."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes. Except for making you think I did in the hopes that it would help you move on, I don't have any regrets."  
  
"Well, it's good that one of us doesn't."  
  
She frowned. "Why do you regret it so much, Sano?"  
  
"Because you're married to my best friend, Jou-chan. Unless I move to another town, avoiding you is impossible and forgetting you is even harder."  
  
Her eyes widened as she rapidly jerked her hand back. "I didn't realize you still felt so strongly about it."  
  
"Well, now you do." He reached over, cupping her face between his large palms chilled with the cold. Blinking back tears at the intense look in his gaze as he leaned in closer, she almost, almost let it happen. But she slipped her fingers between them moments before their lips touched.  
  
"No, Sano," she told him softly. "This time, it really would be a mistake."  
  
"I know." He pulled back, lips tilting downwards. "But I still think about you, Jou-chan. I'm still drawn to you."  
  
She fell silent, her features reflecting her warring thoughts.  
  
"Jou-chan?"  
  
"I probably shouldn't tell you," she finally told him softly, "but I am too. Even though I'm married, shouldn't even be thinking of anyone else, I'm still drawn to you."  
  
"Well, I guess that's something, at least."  
  
"I'm sorry, Sano."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"I didn't know just how deeply bothered you still were by everything."  
  
"It's not your fault. It's not like it can be helped so I tried to cover up as best I could."  
  
"I don't know how I can help, but if you think there's anything I can do, then please ask."  
  
"Then, could you give me a hug?"  
  
"Eh?" She blinked at him.  
  
"Just a hug, that's all. I know better than to ask for anything more."  
  
She smiled softly and, in response, wrapped her arms around his waist, squeezing him as she leaned her head on his chest and felt his arms come up and around her, crushing her close. They just stayed like that, holding each other in a comforting embrace.  
  
"Jou-chan?" Sano questioned quietly.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Is he mine?"  
  
She released a shaky sigh as a tear slipped down her cheek. "I'm not sure."  
  
He said nothing, only squeezed her tighter.  
  
"The chances aren't very likely," she continued quietly, "but I can't be completely certain. But either way, Kenshin is his father and cares for him deeply."  
  
"I know, and I don't want to do anything to change that."  
  
"You should see him," she told him softly, "he's a wonderful little boy."  
  
"And that's something I don't doubt since you're his mother. But I don't know if I'll ever be ready to see him."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I'm afraid."  
  
She shot him a surprised look. "Of what?"  
  
"That I'll know. That I'll take one look at him and just somehow know that he's mine." He swallowed hard. "And I don't think I could walk away afterwards and pretend that he wasn't."  
  
"Oh, Sano." Her voice was a trembling sigh. "I'm so, so sorry." She shook her head. "I'm sorry for not waiting and giving us more of a chance to see where things could lead, I'm sorry that I might be keeping your child from you, I'm sorry for-"  
  
"Shh, Jou-chan," he whispered, placing a finger to halt her flowing words. "Don't apologize." He smiled down at her wide glistening eyes. "I thought you said you didn't have any regrets."  
  
"Yeah, well," she sniffled a bit, "don't tell anyone, but I might have told a tiny lie."  
  
"That's just like you," he laughed and hugged her tight. More seriously, he said, "You know, even if the kid's mine, I know that there's no better man around to bring him up with you right now. It makes the idea easier to bear."  
  
"But it doesn't seem very fair, does it? Not to either of you."  
  
"Life isn't always fair, Jou-chan. You know that. We just have to manage with what we've got."  
  
She sighed, leaning against him and taking comfort in his embrace, knowing she shouldn't be there with him like this even though she couldn't seem to stop herself for some reason. But then she felt a drop of moisture fall onto her cheek and, startled, she looked up.  
  
"Snow," she breathed. "It's the first snowfall."  
  
"Just like that night," he whispered, stroking the silky strands of her hair.  
  
"Yes, I know," she responded softly, just before she pulled back from his arms with a shuddering sigh. "We should get going. Before we both catch colds."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
They walked in silence the rest of the way as white flakes of snow fell gently upon the darkened path they traveled. They came to a halt just short of the dojo, spying the figure that waited just outside the entry gate who, upon spotting them, smiled in relief.  
  
"Looks like someone noticed you gone, after all," Sano quietly commented as he returned a friendly wave.  
  
"Apparently so." She turned to him. "Do you want to come in? You could spend the night instead of continuing the long walk back home. I'm sure Kenshin would like that, too."  
  
For a moment, he was tempted, but he ended up shaking his head. "I don't think so, Jou-chan. It would probably be safer if we just parted ways here."  
  
"Alright, Sano." She titled her head in quiet acceptance. "Take care on the way home."  
  
"You too, Jou-chan."  
  
He watched as she left his side and slipped into the welcoming embrace of her husband who was obviously happy at seeing his wife returned to him. Then, with a brief tug of regret pulling at his heart, he turned away.  
  
"Where's Sano going?" Kenshin asked as he stared after his friend. "He should have come in for at least a little while."  
  
"I think he wanted to leave before he was faced with the two of us trying to convince him to stay. I wasn't doing so well of it on my own and you know how stubborn he gets."   
  
"Indeed, I do," he laughed as he ushered her into the warmth of their home. "But he still should have stayed for a bit, even if it is late. It would have given me a chance to show off our little boy that he's somehow, after a year, still hasn't seen."   
  
"I'm sure there'll be another time," she responded softly.  
  
He nodded and then slid her an inquiring glance. "And what were you doing this late at night? I was worried when I woke and couldn't find you anywhere."  
  
"I'm sorry. But I couldn't sleep and thought a little walk would help."  
  
"Alone? This late at night?"  
  
"Oh, Kenshin," she said exasperated. "You sound just like Sano. Well, after I woke him up and he decided to walk me back home after practically lecturing me about the dangers to, which are, if you ask me, almost non-existent."  
  
"Then I'm grateful to him since I'm of the same opinion." He smiled at her to take the sting out of his words. "But why did you have to wake him up?"  
  
"I ran into him by the pond where he was sleeping in the cold."  
  
"It's a good thing you encountered him on your walk then."  
  
"That's just what I told him."  
  
"What was he doing out there this late at night anyway?"  
  
"Thinking. He found out that one of his gambling friends is getting married and it seems to have gotten him thinking about his single status."  
  
"Ah, I see. He's rethinking the merits of his bachelor lifestyle."  
  
"Something like that."  
  
"Well, he's a good man. If anyone deserves to know this particular brand of happiness, it's him."  
  
"Yes, that's certainly true."  
  
"Well, I know that whoever the woman he sets his heart on turns out to be," he chuckled quietly, winding his arms around and drawing her into his embrace as he hugged her affectionately, "she won't come close to being as wonderful as you."  
  
Kaoru just smiled softly, remaining silent as the snow continued to fall. 


End file.
